The JKL Writings

Dissection of a Heart

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 18:19:27 -0500

for Helena

The surgeon woke up and readied himself for the day. Today he had a strange case coming in. There was nothing particularly strange about performing an open heart surgery, but in the one case, he was going in blind. There was no family health history that would have indicated an unhealthy heart, nor did the patient have high cholesterol or eat unhealthy amounts of…well..everything. On the contrary, the woman he was performing surgery on today seemed healthy and happy. Regardless, there was something wrong with her heart, something that prevented her from living normally. Something that bothered and pained her with every beat of her heart. He drove to the hospital, grabbed a cup of coffee from the vending machine, stale and poor quality as it was, and went to the prep room to go over final detailing with the staff before the patient arrived. At eleven o’clock she came, though with a smile on her face, he could tell her heart was bothering her, maybe even more so today than before. He needed to operate fast to see what was going on. After the patient was prepped and put under, they wheeled her into the sterilized room. Four nurses with masks and hair nets, latex gloves and baby blue srubs, readily waited for him to begin the procedure. And so he began, pulling back all the layers to get to the heart. He had always thought it strange that one could strip away almost every part of a person and see them at their center. More than anyone else, he saw people at their most vulnerable moments, he saw their heartbeats and the source of their life. The nurses scurried around doing their various jobs in assisting him. He barely saw them for finally, he had gotten to her heart. Oh it was a beautiful heart! It was small and delicate and it beat so eagerly like it truly was meant to live, like the whole world could not stop this heart from beating. It willed to beat, it willed to be strong. Oh such a beautiful thing it was, so precious, such joy it seemed to beat with! How could anything be wrong? But something was wrong…very wrong. There must be something he could not see, and he needed to fix it and fast. Something so beautiful could not be in pain any longer. The surgeon poked around at the heart, there were plenty tender spots, warm and soft, some a little bit tougher, but those spots were strong and determined. They kept the heart beating on like a drum. He checked the woman’s vitals. Everything was normal, no substantial blood loss, nothing too wrong at present except for some reason this heart was sick. But why? Taking his tools, he pressed them underneath the heart and found it unwilling to budge. Interesting, the surgeon thought. It was unlike a heart to be so unyielding. He knew he had to get a look at what lay under this heart. He pried the heart up slowly, so slowly, taking great care with this beautiful heart. And slowly, like turning over a rock to see what is underneath, he turned the heart over. The nurses all gasped in surprise and it took all the surgeon’s professional experience to keep him from doing the same. There were bruises everywhere. Black and blue and purple all over. Not only that but as the surgeon poked around he found spots so sore and tender he thought they might break apart and some hard and rough as rocks and sandpaper. This was a sick sick heart. From this side, he could almost see the heart trying not to give up, but each beat was hard and horribly strained. He was almost sure it would fall apart. He saw some stitching at one part, from a deep scar it looked like. He knew this patient had had some work done before form a long ago injury, but this? This was sick. This was the grotesque work of a doctor’s quick fix schemes. How could this be the same heart as before? So beautiful, so broken. He knew he had found the cause of the patient’s pain, but he had nowhere to start. The surgeon had never seen a heart like this before. It had not been well taken care of, either by people or doctors or the woman herself. But he could not blame her. What was she to do? Where was she to go when everyone who had looked at or analyzed her heart before had said she was fine, to not worry about it, and to move on. He was shocked. How could they all be so wrong? The heart continued to labor on, deep painful, and powerful beats. The surgeon felt his own heart beating alongside it, willing it to continue. But this pain, this horrible pain had to be rid of. The surgeon knew he could not heal it, he had never seen this before. He thought, perhaps………perhaps the head surgeon would come assist him. The head surgeon was often quite busy, he did many operations a day on some of the most crucial circumstances. Not only that but he had a huge family at home. How he managed that, the surgeon (who was in fact single) had no idea, but he made the call anyways. Upon hearing the condition of the heart, the head surgeon agreed to come down. A few minutes later he was standing in front of him analyzing the woman’s heart. “She needs healing”, the man said. The surgeon agreed for sure, but did not understand what he meant. “And forgiveness. Patience too, but on my part as well. There is much hurt here”, said the man pointing to particular spots,”and these rough patches, those need to go as well.” The surgeon stopped following where this man was going, but obviously he knew what he was talking about. It seemed like he had done this procedure before. The surgeon kindly cooperated, caring very much that this heart would return to normal. He watched as the man gently pulled away at parts and re-did the stitching in another. The man applied many things, handling the heart with such care and when he was done, he turned it back over again. The broken heart was no where to be seen on this side, beating beautifully as it should. The surgeon wished it could be that this heart was not so deceiving. But they stitched the woman up and closed up all the layers. When the man had finished, the woman was wheeled out and put in a room until she had adequately healed from the operation. The surgeon was cleaning up and telling one of the nurses which medicines to prescribe the woman, when the man abruptly stopped him and sent the nurse away. “There is no medicine in the world that can heal her”, he said. The surgeon nodded not quite understanding, but unwilling to look foolish in front of this man. “Be patient with her, and watch over her heart.” And with that, the man finished washing and left the room. The surgeon not quite understanding again, decided he would watch the woman’s heart. He would do everything in his power to make sure that no more bruises would form and that no one else would try to patch it up for her. Shortly after, he went to go visit the woman, though she was still under. He looked at her face, knowing what was still in her heart. Still, he knew her heart was beautiful.

Emmanuel

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 05:52:55 -0500

We wonder why He came as a baby. We expect that since God is so grand, he would’ve come down as some extravagant ruler or arrived on a flashy flaming chariot just to prove himself and announce that the Messiah has come. That’s how we’d get the job done. Or something along those lines, right? Be obvious and show your power to everyone, we’d say. But instead He came out of a womb, as a baby, just like each of us. God became a human and experienced what we have all gone through. He made us and then He became one of us, experiencing the design of His own creation. And He did so in such an inconspicuous way. In the most humble of manners. (I don’t know, but were you born in an open barn?)
It’s been said before, but God’s way of coming to meet with us and of sending the Messiah is so shockingly ordinary. In a way that’s not only simple, but grossly unappreciated by man. Jesus is visited by shepards, who were by no means highly regarded, just eternal wanderers on the earth with their sheep. Yeah, the wise men visit, but Jesus is hidden away from the king in the midst of all this. You’d think that maybe it would be okay to get all up in the face of a king ruling over a mere empire if you’re the savior of the world, but Jesus has to lay low for the time. There’s really no rational argument against Jesus’ arrival NOT being strangely unimportant and unanticipated by the vast majority. I mean, His parents aren’t even given a decent place to stay. Essentially anyone whose heard from Joseph and Mary about the baby being conceived by the Spirit has turned away from them thinking this couple who was once their friend is insane. None of those people are excitedly telling everyone that a Messiah is on the way. Yeah, we can’t really understand God’s decision here, except to say that God’s plan here reflects His desire to meet us in person and not as some far off being or separated power.
However, this odd and unexpected turn of events is mightily powerful. I think we miss the truth of this in a particular way. As I was at the Christmas Eve service tonight, I was inspired by this wonderful possibility. This is what I was thinking: there are so many moments in the Bible where God gives us free choice. When He created Adam and Eve, He gave them freedom. The first humans weren’t created robots, and none after were either. From the beginning, God offers freedom, we are never obligated or forced to follow Him. God says love and obey me, God says there are consequences for all our actions, but His grace and forgiveness are even greater than that in the long run. Look at Solomon at the end of his life in 1 Kings. Solomon doesn’t obey God’s command to stay away from marrying multiple women. God knows the women will become his idol and completely overshadow Solomon’s heart after God. God says Solomon must be punished, but God honors His promise first and foremost. God fulfills the promise He makes to David, Solomon’s dad, so Solomon still lives a good life. (But his kids won’t as a consequence.) And even then, God’s grace appears in various ways to Solomon’s descendants. Another example of God’s freedom in creation is the fallen angels. Lucifer, the most beautiful angel at one point, turns from God and take many angels with him. Obviously, Lucifer is banished, but God doesn’t get rid of Him, which He has the power to do. Sin enters the world, as a result of God creating freedom. And maybe you’d start to think that freedom could be a bad thing. After all, we misuse it and the results are often monumentally detrimental. And you could begin to believe that sending Jesus to earth in such a quiet way is a bad idea, because now Satan can use the doubts about Jesus to his own benefit. Maybe you’d imagine that an inconspicuous arrival means less people are saved, because less people see the full glory of God.
But you need to stop thinking that. Those ideas are from the devil, who wants you to see God’s freedom as an opportunity for Satan to deceive more people. Satan wants you to think that the more time that passes before Jesus returns, the more chances there are for him to drag people with him to hell. Satan wants you believing that people will choose him over God. And above all, he wants you to think that freedom is a terrible thing, because look at all the bad that people have used it for. But don’t you see? If Satan has free reign, so do we. This is where the wonderful.possibility comes in! While Satan has the freedom to destroy and hurt, we have the freedom to love and build up. You see, power comes with freedom. Someone who chooses to love Jesus has much more conviction than someone who is forced to. God knows that love works better than fear. He is the creator of it. He knows that love roots deeper than fear ever can. And because of that freedom works to our advantage. Freedom means our faith is always relevant, because our faith makes sense in the context of any kind of pain or joy. Freedom means we are freer than any bond that the devil can try to trap us in. Freedom means God loves us enough to let us choose, because when we learn, we grow, and that allows us to understand our relationship with Him in an unshakable way. Do you understand the goodness of freedom? It is delicious.

Quick case-and-point:
Another look into why Jesus came in a not-so-obvious way which I’ll explain in a recent day scenario. Let’s talk about an imaginary top-notch a-list celebrity. If this celebrity wants friends who actually appreciate them as a person and not a “friend” who is out to get personal gain by leveraging the reputation or connections that the celebrity has… will the celebrity boast about his/her career and status? Probably not… even if they’re proud of what they do and really enjoy acting. Chances are they will instead keep that part of their life on the down low until they can gain the trust of people. Then when the celebrity knows that they’ve made a genuine friend they’ll reveal that part of their life, which the real friend will understand in a truly interested and selfless way. I think it’s similar for the position that Jesus was in, not that he didn’t want people to be sure that He is the Messiah, but that he really wanted to change people’s hearts towards God, not just their mind. You see, if Jesus came all obvious-like, people would miss the real reason of following him. In fact, they would probably follow Jesus just to go to heaven, just a one way ticket kind of deal. They wouldn’t ever change their hearts toward God, or understand the point of faith, except that it gets them security in the afterlife. In the Gospels, when Jesus casts out demons, some of them declare that He is the Savior in a mocking manner, and Jesus silences them from giving away his identity. In the story, it is not time for Jesus to reveal his identity so blatantly. But this story speaks back to the devil’s goal of manipulating God’s creation of freedom. See, why would the devil of all people help reveal Jesus’ identity? Quite possibly, it’s cause if people heard the devil declare Jesus as the awaited Savior they would be fearful and follow Jesus out of fear. And doing something out of fear doesn’t work; it’s forced and it’s not genuine. I think the biggest disservice that Satan does to us all is making us scared of hell, which takes the focus off of being excited for heaven. Hell is unimaginably terrible, but heaven is not enjoyable for people who dont love God or don’t care about being reunited with God. It’s bad that some people want to go to heaven, just because they don’t want to go to hell. The devil is so good at showing us how bad badness is that we forget to notice how good goodness is often times. To anyone who was willing and seeking to see it, Jesus’ actions and words displayed his position as the true Messiah. His humble arrival as a baby was a great gift to us. A reminder of freedom. And a reminder that God has a plan, that is good. Emmanuel, God with us. What a blessing! Case closed.

Sea

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 04:04:16 -0500

It becomes all too easy to appreciate vision and clarity, once you’ve lost it. For eleven years, I have been without perfect vision. For without the translucent lenses of my glasses or the curved plastic of my contacts over my eyes, my retina perceives merely a blur of surroundings. If I gaze toward light: a string of Christmas lights hanging in the lounge, a street lamp as I drive by, or candles flickering in the distant, the brightness becomes a large round mass of color. A million strings of light extend from the center, stopping at the edge to create a perfect circle. I even see formless figures float in front of the forest of blurred circles. The view without the fixed perspective of lenses may not be perfect, but it’s a different kind of beautiful. It’s one that even a camera cannot capture. It’s one that only I can see and explain. And only I can appreciate in this moment, the contrast of the augmented view and the corrected view. All I can really do is realize that I am blessed to be able to see this difference, because I have access to better vision. Not all live with this luxury of new clarity. But once you get it, receive it, and cherish it. It’s a blessing after all.

Belittled

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 02:36:05 -0400

Less than a week ago, things were all in conflict, up in the air. I sought to find a solution, a grand resolution to dissolve my clashing desires for the future. And in the midst of it all - the everchanging options - the people remained the same. They were my anchor and my stronghold. I could go to them and be there for them, and that gave me joy. They reminded me that God is above all of my internal turmoil. They reminded me that I am of help to them and that I am full of joy. They reminded me of who I am and that here I am able to be who I am. The people, they demonstrated to me that this is what my life is about. It seems all too wonderful, and now. It’s become all too real again that I don’t have much to offer up, but to offer up myself to them. To offer myself up to God. And though I knew this all along. Today, it feels like I’m different and I can’t fit in to their mold. It’s as if I want to be there for these people to hear their hearts speak, but I can’t get past what their mouths speak, because I won’t allow myself to go with their flow, to adapt to where they are at. Today my flesh is unwilling to meet them where they are at in this moment. So I cannot meet them where they are at in the scheme of life. And reality is, the problem is me. Again.

Mommy and Me

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:46:05 -0400

Mommy and Me:

bumblytumbly:

Share a memory near and dear to your heart.

She walks up the front porch with a blank stare. She knew this day was going to come but when reality hits you, it hits hard. She bit back the tears fumbling for her keys. Now she needed to be strong. On the other side of this door was a little girl who…

Confessions Part 2 by Luke Pamer

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:56:07 -0400

Im Afraid of the dark and not in some weird metaphor type of way. No im actually scared of the dark. Dark rooms, dark alleys, dark basements. if its dark i wont go in without some light source even if Its a phone, flashlight, or even a lighter. Im not sure why i have this fear but i remember even as a small child being deathly afraid of the dark until one day i heard someone say “no one is afraid of the dark…they are afraid of whats inside the dark”. I started to think. That is so true. While you are tangled in darkness you have no clue what could get you. Now let me clarify real quick. im not talking about ‘i can make out objects’ type of darkness. Im talking about pure darkness. The type of darkness in which you can not see your hand in front of you. The darkness in which all light seems to be engulfed in. Its when you are most vulnerable. No one can see you, and you cant see them. You have to fully rely on your other 4 senses to get you through. Its terrifying. Bu if you think about it we are all in darkness (and here is where the cheesy metaphor comes in!). We are all in darkness. Blinded, without any light source, struggling to find light in this cold dark world. What we dont realize though is the fact that we are the light (not talking about spirituality here. Jesus is the ultimate light and he shines through us). Marianne Williamson once said “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” We are afraid to be the light to the world. We know that we are powerful when we share our light but are afraid of what others will think. What we dont know is that once we reveal our light we unconsciously allow others to do the same! We begin to let others shine and grow and light up the darkness. I cant count the number of times i have seen this play out this year. So many of my friends have discovered their potential and have begun to let their own light shine. I think of my friend Ben who is a phenomenal speaker. My friend Kara who writes beautiful poetry. My friend Maggie whose voice puts the rest to shame. My friend Evan who has so much passion that he will literally change the world. My three sisters, Claire Taylor and Sophia, who all have a deep passion for Kenya and orphanage care. Or my friend Jonah who has started his own business designing shirts. My brother and his friend who have just created a documentary detailing sex slavery in Seattle. My mentor Matt who, with is amazing sense of wisdom, has been able to lead a group of crazy High School Boys. All these people, and many more, all have began to share their light at some point and encourage others to do the same! They have encouraged me to open up and share my light as well. Together we can light up this darkened world. All it takes is faith. Reach out in the darkness, Grab a hand and Let your light shine.

The Worth of Ashes - Part 6

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 16:40:22 -0400

P.S. forogt to post the last part over here! sorry!! but i thought it’d be nice to have it all together!

Intro to Me

1. For so long I’ve wanted to share my testimony but I’ve had the wrong mindset for so long too. It used to be about me, but now it’s about Christ. :)

2. I’ve shared little glimpses and windows into my life, being purposeful in being obscure and initiating emotions that I’ve felt in situations I’ve been through. My biggest problem is that I don’t ever open up, and if I do, it is because I trust you with my whole heart. I’ve allowed everyone I know to share all the the details and things about them, but I’ve also been very selfish and not allowed them to see and know and understand me.

3. This mini series has had so many ups and downs….mainly a lot of downs, a lot of touchy subjects, a lot of pain. This summer, I have found a new hope in Christ, and I just don’t feel the need to write this anymore, because in reality, Jesus already has taken my pain away, I’m a new person and I’m laying down my burdens at the cross.

Testimony

When I was a young girl, my faith was strong. I honestly had a good understanding and security in God. He was my friend, and I truly talked, walked, and confided with him. I’ve always been in my own head and in my own world, but I had a joy and happiness in being with the Lord. The summer before eighth grade, my family uprooted and moved to washington, God’s will, I thought. I figured there was purpose to it and accepted it, but that’s also when things changed. I was introduced to public school for the first time and I was so shocked by all the things I heard and saw, I lost sight of God’s perfect plan. Like any insecure junior higher, I allowed what the other kids said abut me get to my head and let them define me. The timescale and the identity of a lot of people I can’t really share after that, but I’ll do what I can. I watched as my sister slowly was consumed with depression, my perfect little world started falling apart. Depression hurt my whole family and wore us down. I watched my sister struggle for so long and I watched her try to escape through alcohol and smoking. I felt her pain and struggle in so many ways and it tore me apart. i didn’t fit in at school or church, and when I prayed, it felt like God wasn’t listening. So I gave up on him. Then to hit home how horrible this place was, I was suddenly surrounded by hurting people at the hands of rape and sexual abuse. And to be honest, I totally lost it. Lost hope, lost faith, lost caring, lost love, lost joy. And then came the night my sister attempted suicide. After that I was convinced God didn’t care, that he had abandoned my family. I looked for hope elsewhere in relationships, and when that didn’t work I went even further. I allowed myself in a lot of ways to be used, abused, and then thrown away by good guys and bad ones, and I became numb to the world around me. depressed, alone, ashamed. that’s who I was, my identity. my friends ditched me as rumors started to surface about the things I did. I had no one. I avoided church, family, people for months……until Houseboats (my church camp). One night as my leaders and group prayed over me, I felt the presence of God wash over me and intercede on my behalf for my sin. It felt like someone had draped a white sheet over my sins and had shifted my view to look in a different direction. It was incredible, such relief and forgiveness. But my heart was still bitter. I could not trust guys, or think anything good of them, I still blamed others for what had happened.God forgave me, but I couldn’t forgive others. But being the miracle worker God is, he placed someone in my life right when I needed it who changed my perspective yet again. he gave me hope in the character and strength of the guys around me that God had restored and installed within me a new trust and ability to see good. my story is so up and down, I don’t even know how to share it sometimes or keep it short, so i somewhat apologize. The next season was not any easier than the last. it came with the attempted suicides of four of some of my closest friends, one of which I witnessed. I let it get to me, lost hope, but held on to faith. I remembered what God had done for me, the way he had held my hand and walked me through to forgiveness before. Houseboats again, and I was renewed, but my lifestyle still needed to change. Then came something I hadn’t expected. There was a period of silence in my heart, and suddenly i was faced with chaos and struggling friendships and lives. I was built up with so much pressure I cried out for help, but still I couldn’t hear any answers. The people I looked to for help seemed to abandon me and under so much pressure that I falsely placed on my shoulders, I cracked. I escaped, not into the arms of my savior, but into arms of self-harm. I started cutting, and allowed my thinking to warp. I let every lie satan had ever told me in with open arms and i believed them to the fullest. Every slightly negative event I let drag me down until I became addicted and obsessed with it all, an addiction that lasted almost a year. When I looked at myself, I saw the most horrid existence, the most worthless human being. I believed not a single person could ever love me. But God did, and in my darkest moments he found me. People from every which direction started reaching out to me in what was only perfect timing. Only a few people knew what was going on, but somehow, the right people were there exactly when they needed to be, and God started to pull me up out of the pit i dragged myself into. There was crazy love all around me from the most random people and encouragement in the moments when I still struggled, till finally at last, I could stand again, and see something beautiful in myself. I couldn’t believe what God had done for me, that when I was convinced that there was absolutely nothing anyone could ever love about me, he told me he did. When I looked at my scars and saw something shameful, he grabbed me by the hand and said, “Look, I have scars too, and these are for you.” And this, this taught me to hope and this gave me joy and peace. With my truly amazing leader, i got rid of everything that was still allowing me to struggle, and I’ve been set free. God healed me in every way, and I know that things are still going to be hard sometimes, but I can never forget how he saved me. there’s a thousand song lyrics that describe what he did for me, but all I can say, is I’ll never be the same. I’ve crossed the line that says no going back, there’s nothing for me back there anyways. I’ve picked up my cross, and I’ll carry it, because my life led by God is something treasured and priceless. my worth is what he tells me it is. he took from the ashes, and made me something beautiful. And this may be long and slightly incomplete, but I can’t say it in fewer words :P I’ve tried, but there’s just so much He has done for me, and I want people to know. He loves me, and I owe everything to him. For a long time, I’ve been scared to share what’s happened in my life because people tell me all the good things they see in me, but they’ve never seen that other side of me. But i guess I’ve decided it doesn’t really matter because my identity is in Christ, and I really don’t have to be perfect :) I’m so blessed in so many ways, and the things I went through to get here are preparing me for the journey ahead and what God is planning for me in my life. Thanks to all of you who have stood by faithfully as my friend, even those of you who never knew any of this before. You have all been such blessings and encouragements to me and I’m forever thankful :)

A Big Letdown

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 02:25:00 -0400

It’s hard to put your hopes in something and be completely let down. It’s tough to think that you’ve invested so much of you heart in this and come to completely love a person, a place, an environment, an energy - but in the end, there’s silence and a stand still. It’s difficult to process the idea that something that should’ve gone so well could go so incredibly sour. It’s painful to try and understand how it’s come to this and why it had to. It’s hard not to be bitter about that. And it’s not easy to imagine a future or understand hope when everything that made you so happy is now just a bad memory. I mean, how do you let go of the only hope you have left? The hope that these things will get better, the way you want it to, the way you always imagined. It’s hard, it’s so hard. But do we measure our lives by how much we’ve gained or how much we gave? When we lose everything that has mattered, have we truly lost our worth or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth? No one wants to accept loss, not for a minute, not in a million years, never. But we gave, we gave it a leap of faith, we gave it another try, we gave our all. And it feels like we gained little. And in our giving, we learned. We learned how much we are capable of. In our happiness, we saw the goodness in them and in us. And it feels like we lost, lost them, lost our goodness, lost it all. But you haven’t lost, you are NOT a lost cause. No. Cause a new heart will find you, or you’ll find a new place, a new environment or energy where you will be the happy you once were, but more. You’ll get better, because you’ve given, you’ve lost, and you’ve learned. You have learned your abilities and new souls will need those capabilities. You are needed somewhere. And you will be renewed. Daily, we are made new. And you’ll find that things will get better, not cause they always do, but because when there’s a hole in your heart it will be filled again. Things will get better, because you are valuable, always were and always will be, and someone who appreciates your abilities will find you. Things will get better, because the answers will come to we who try to look at life through heaven’s eyes. Life is hard. Change is always on the loose. And though we might not know all the steps, we must learn to join the dance. The dance will teach us that things do get better. We’ll learn with each new step. We’ll be new again, happy again, free again, beautiful again. Because it will be better. Yes.

- Dedicated to all my friends who are going through hard stuff right now
(You know who you are)

Beautifully Written...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 02:42:03 -0400

Its been almost a year…
A year since we truly met and started to become friends. Its when we started this blog and urged each other on to write more and more. Its interesting to see how we have grown over this last year and it will be even more as this next year passes. I thank you for keeping me dedicated to my blog. Thank you for all the wisdom you have passed down and shared through your posts. I love to see how your testimony has shown through every word and sentence. I will truly miss you. Not saying that we wont stay in touch or anything and believe me, i WILL make sure you continue to write! But what im trying to say is this: Kate Smiley your life is BEAUTIFULLY written. You have showed us this through your posts and it encourages me everyday! I dont know how long we will keep this blog but always know that there are two writers, not fighters, who love you back here!
Continue to Love, write, pray, and grow!
-Luke and Joyce!

Assuming i can speak for joyce :P

Wholeheartedly Explained 3/12

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:12:00 -0400

Explanation for “The Return”

The concept for this post was quite simple. It’s a look back on the beginning of my sophomore year. Each paragraph highlights a different season and a different sensory image.

In the first paragraph, I introduce the idea that somewhere things have gone miserably downhill by using descriptions that appeal to the visual. Next, the paragraph about summer is all about taste. The third is about autumn and uses smell. Lastly, winter is described in the last paragraph and it uses the sense of feel. In each paragraph, I recount memories of each of those seasons. I hope the technique of showing everything through a jumble of senses and memories gives insight into the transitions I felt in that year. Stay tuned for the next posts that should be coming out ASAP. I think as each one comes out, the series as a whole will start to make more sense. It’s just a lot of pieces that connect together into the puzzle of my past, redemption, and now.

Wholeheartedly 3/12

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:15:00 -0400

The Return

I didn’t see it coming. It’s like the swell before the tsunami, the calm before plane turbulence, or the vigilant scan over a battlefield before the charge. And then there’s chaos.

Summer was sweet. It tasted like sweet tea sipped in the backyard, the first lick of a grape popsicle, or skittles on the tip of your tongue. It tasted like victory, after a round of ultimate frisbee well fought for. It tasted like confidence, carefree thoughts, and carrying on. It was indescribably good, left you wanting more and made you wish this was forever.

Autumn was spicy. It smelled like something altogether new, like new volleyballs and tall intimidating perfumed girls, like random plants you’ll never learn about and rotten egg smells in test tubes, like thousands of french fries sitting in trays in the commons at lunchtime. It was like every time you inhaled, you took in another spice. I think it was cooking, cooking what would become my future. The volleyballs started to go sour as I lost confidence in my consistency, biology melted into a soupy puddle as my focus drip-dropped, and the french fries began to rot when I decided to ignore the one friend who unknowingly helped me out of depression. I could smell what was coming.

Winter, it stings. It feels like the gust of cold wind when you open the front door to head to school. It reminds you of each morning when you walk into math class late, because you’re too tired, uninterested, and used to it all to care. It’s feeling like embarrassment is not the worst thing that can happen, because that’s already normal life. It’s knowing that the only warmth you feel is the heat in your cheeks when you pass the guy in the hall that you know you should talk to, but still haven’t. It feels like you’ve been let down, cause maybe you are the let down. It feels like you can’t feel, because you don’t know what to feel, and you almost know what you want to feel, but it feels too unrealistic to even give a chance. And it feels like stupidity, because how could you let all that hope come to this, and just return to the old life you thought you left for eternity?

Wholeheartedly Disappointed,
Joyce.

1.17.10

Wholeheartedly Explained 2/12

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 04:38:00 -0400

Explanation for “The Glow”

Read the post before you read this! There are definitely spoilers in here.

Hello, I’m back. After half a year of absence, 2 of 12 has finally come out. And I’m about to dispel some of the techniques I used for this post. I’m going to explain these backwards, because it makes more sense. You’ll see.

Firstly, I use play on words near the end of the piece where I say “now they’re just letters that spell out a rough past”. These “letters that spell out” not only refer to the letters in italics that spell out my rough past, but also pointing to the literal letter (like snail mail) that I sent to a friend. Side note: I play on the words “past” and “passed”, because they sound the same and can be related in meaning.

Now, you probably would not have guessed. But this post is about getting my braces off. The whole idea of the post was to not reveal that it’s about a miniscule-seeming or strange event like removing metal from a smile. I implied at it vaguely, but I know it’s near impossible to tell. I think not knowing the actual event of this post helps to illuminate the point I try to make about it. But now you know what it’s really about!

For each tooth I had, I pulled out 24 direct quotes from the letter I wrote that reflect the state of mind I was in at the time of having braces. Hope this helps to clear some things up and assist you in making more sense of what’s going on behind this piece. Well, until the next post!

Wholeheartedly 2/12

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 03:32:00 -0400

The Glow

Today they all come off, all 24 of them. And with each piece, I say goodbye to a lie I have believed.

The first one tells me: It’s not enough.
The second says: I’m ugly.
There’s a third: I’m too quiet.
And fourth: I’m too much of a worrier.
Number five reads: I’m too self-centered.
I see the sixth: I’m too much of a thinker & too little of actually doing things.
And the seventh: I’m mean to my family.
There’s number eight: I’m mean to my friends (especially you).
And wow, the ninth one: I procrastinate like it runs my life, and it makes me feel like my life is ruined, because I constantly push things back and nothing gets done and then I feel bad and say I’ll do it later, and I don’t until the last minute, and then, I can’t.
Number ten says: I’m too lazy.
I don’t even want to acknowledge that eleven reads: I do all this and I constantly remind myself: it’s all about my FUTURE! But now it just feels like, what future?
Twelve: I’m doing this all for myself.
Here’s thirteen: It should be for God, but I’m not.
Fourteen reminds me that: I sit here in front of the mirror & stare at myself. I say my eyes are too small.
Fifteen says: My eyebrows are ugly.
Then the sixteenth comments: My nose is huge.
Number seventeen jabs: There are so many gorgeous celebs that are prettier than me.
Eighteen doesn’t get better: I wish I were this person.
And nineteen reads: No colleges are going to accept me.
At twenty I remember: I’m going to disappoint my parents.
Then twenty one: There are no guys who like me.
The twenty second might be the worst: People are nice to me because they feel bad.
And for twenty three: I’m a loser at school.
The twenty fourth piece simply says: I’m depressed & detached.

As each one comes off, it gets added to the pile with a small clang. Until altogether they sit on that gray desk.

Now they’re just letters that spell out a rough past. And that past has passed.

I feel lighter. The burden has been removed and thrown out. I begin to see more to life than those wretched lies. And that’s when I see hope begin to glow.

Hoping Wholeheartedly,
Joyce.

7.01.09

The Worth of Ashes - Part 5

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 03:38:52 -0400

Fingerprints

Sometimes I wonder, if they ever really fade away. The things, the moments, the people who’ve touched our lives. It seems fitting, that the people that bring us joy would be ones that never fade from our memories. But the bitterness stored up inside me is more the result of a struggle to forgive those that haven’t.The ones who leave their mark in places they shouldn’t. The ones that think they own you, when the only one who deserves that, is the one who bought you with blood, or the one who buys a ring. I’ve written and drawn out these words a thousand times, but each time my head is muffled and filled with anything but forgiveness. I’d be lying if I said I was simply bitter, and so my sweet little masquerade is broken. Normally I write for a feeling, to draw out emotion in people, to make them understand another side of life, of people. Normally I try to draw a picture, something complete and daring. But this? This I can’t explain. It is fury, it is fire, it is stabbing the dark with everything I’ve got, and maybe, just maybe, in the end, I’ll find a place in myself to see beauty again. See, I’ve tried over and over again to forget these moments, these people, this anger. But every time i see fingerprints on another girl, or woman, or child, I lose myself again. And I wish I could hurt someone, the same way that they’ve, that we have all been hurt. Through the eyes of others we have been deceived. we have been devoured and chewed like tobacco and spit out again. I’m trying to find forgiveness in me, and sometimes I see hope. A star in the sky, a light in the darkness, and I try to forget the things that have happened to us, and I try to break this wall. But I know the only way that this will happen, is if the one who forgave everything i am and have done, every defying word or thought, is if I let him, if I allow him to fully enter my life. Maybe I’m admitting my biggest flaw, but I have been burned down to ashes by my anger and my shame. But the Lord has come and found me. He has dusted me off from what I have been, and i will rise once more. The world’s fingerprints were on me, they defined, but the fingerprints that last, those are His. He has bought me with His blood, He has purchased me. I will get up from the ashes, and in His name and with His power, I will learn to forgive, and I will make my own fingerprints. I will leave His mark in my footsteps and in the sound of my voice. I think it’s time dust off, I think it’s time to forgive.

by Kate

Thoughts

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 03:37:41 -0400

i get knots sometimes. Knots and knots of thoughts. So many, i need to string them out. pull at a loose end and feel the tug, loosening coils of ideas and new trains of thought. following the tracks to a spot of confusion. it’s delicate work, fitting the threads together, figuring out the complexity of what i feel and think and understand. a thought that makes me what i am. pull a little here, give some rope there, and slowly i can start to figure out the puzzle. the way these things all work together, i can see how wrapped around each other they are, how messy they can seem. but they’re just thoughts, a Rubik cube of the mind. i like to sit and work them out, stretching down the line, knot after knot after knot………until they all fade away, and it’s quiet again. and i can look back out at the world with peace in my heart and help untangle this place so the knots all fall apart.

Good News! by Luke Pamer

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 03:02:39 -0400

This first part i did not write…i heard it as a kid and its stuck with me all these years! If you know where its from i would love it if you could tell me so i can give credit!

I was trapped by the invisible walls of my fate,
Tricked by the idea that I could not escape,
Chained up in a ghetto where my father died,
Fooled into thinking I would never go outside.
Imprisoned by my friends who knew nothing but war,
Shackled to everything that had gone on before.
I would always be here in this dead end life of mine,
My heart turned back by a city limit sign.

Yet,
and yet I now see a way out of my concrete jail,
A new way to soften a heart that’s grown stale.
No longer cursed in this place for the wealth,
No longer fighting with man or myself.
I understand now what it takes to get real.
If you wanna stand up, you have to learn how to kneel.

I surrender.
My weapons are down at my feet.
‘Cause we’ll never have freedom
When there’s blood on the street.

The blood on the street that HE once gave
The blood that shows I am no longer a slave!
With flesh torn from his back and thorns stabbed in his head
If you were to see this man you might as well thought he was dead

But no, He picked up his burden and carried his cross
Fully knowing what the price of our sins will cost
Nails were driven into his Feet and hands
And within that moment he became the worlds most hated man!

As his body was cut off from oxygen and his strength depleted
He looked up to the skies, wept, and then pleaded
“Lord! Forgive them for they do not know what they do!”
And everyone witnessed the death of “The King of the Jews”

We killed God!

All Hail Satan for we thought that he won
But let me tell you something my brothers this story hasnt even begun!

See THREE days past in which Jesus was dead!
Three days his body lay on that cold, stone bed
But on the third day our Lord Came back
And everyone gasped like an asthma attack!

He said “Go out and preach to all the nations
Baptizing them with endless recitation”
And so this is our duty to go preach the good news

Because through our God we will never ever lose!

Confessions Part 1. by Luke Pamer

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 00:34:27 -0400

As he walks the hallways of school he is constantly harassed and bullied by kids. “You’re fat. Go home! No body likes you!” He was always picked last for football, sat in the back of class, sat alone at lunch and never spoke a word. He was driven to tears almost everyday. The worst part is that no one helped him. Not one person took the time to ask how he was feeling or if he was simply alright. Years later he has moved to a new school and doesn’t keep in touch with any of those people. I would like to say that he has made a new name for himself, gotten better friends, and is now doing fine. But sadly i do not know this. He has no Facebook, twitter, or Instagram. No one knows where he went or if he is even alive. The worst part is that i was one of the many who tortured this kid. There isnt a day that goes by where i think what happened to him. Not a day where i wish i could go back and at least stop myself from saying some of those things. Seeing how much i have matured and grown really amazes me! Im about to lead a group of 7th grade boys at church. It makes me wonder what their life will be like? Will they be that child who is made fun of all the time or will they be that kid who was like me and ridules kids because they are different? I only hope that I will be able to lead them in such a way that they will look for that kid and accept him for who he is. Jacob, If you are somehow reading this i want to say that i am truly sorry for the things i said to you! In no way should i have acted the way i did and i am sorry for that! My only wish is that you could forgive me!

The Hallway...By Luke Pamer

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 01:26:18 -0400

I slowly walk down the dimly lit hallway stretching for what seems like forever. As i look around i realize that i am alone. There is a ghost like fog surrounding me making it impossible for me to see more than 5 feet infront of me. I hear footsteps and the sound of girl laughing as she comes up and intertwines her fingers with mine. We walk and talk for a while but before i know it she passes through a doorway as her fingers slip away from mine. The separation is like a stab to the heart. I stand there broken and empty as i hear more footsteps come from a room just a few steps ahead of me. I see 5 young men run towards me and tackle me to the ground. I am immedietly flooded with emotions of happiness and joy. We walk for a long time, passing doors which are filled with memories and past events. One of my friends is distracted by a female and soon is too far behind to catch up, Another decides he wants to check out the bedroom titled “College” and one more drinks a little too much alcohol, trips, and passes through the floor disappearing forever. The two i have left are making jokes with some girls that have run up from behind. We all look into a room titled “Weddings” and see each one of us with our wives. We continue through the hallway until we here children coming from infront of us. They grapple onto our legs chanting “DADDY DADDY DADDY!” but before i have time to pick them up they have grown into young adults. I look to my friends to see they have gotten significantly older. Their eyes look tired, hair has faded a bit, and have began to slow down. One of the couples head off into a room called “Divorce”. We can still hear them every now and then but they have recently become quiet. Soon my children come beside me with their children. They are sad for a few moments ago my wife tripped and fell through the floor. My heart aches now. I feel as if someone has torn it out completely. I look back and realize that i am alone again. The doors on the side have gone down in count and the hallway becomes brighter. It feels as if i have come to the end and there stands two doors.

The Worth of Ashes - Part 4

Mon, 21 May 2012 03:16:37 -0400

The Things I’ll Never Say

Quiet. All quiet. She tip-toes through the silence, toes numb against the cold and hard-worn wood till she finds the room she’s looking for. The creak of the door, quick glance towards the high-windowed wall. Not yet had the tendrils of morning and mist reached the eastern borders of her world. No reason to be here….except she tries to forget. She curls into a ball before the floor-length mirror, hardly seeing through the stale darkness left behind by the night. The music starts. Maybe it’s all in her head, but nevertheless, she can hear it loud and clear. It’s the same song that sweeps through her dreams, a resounding echo in her memory. And before she knows it, she’s swept up, caught up in all the emotions, and starts to dance. Slowly, the music growing and fading, throbbing like a sore stitched in her heart, she rises and twirls letting the music carry her through her thoughts. Salt and water combine and clash like a spark to gas, and the result a watershed so beautiful and silent and powerful. And she dances. Dancing to the same song, the one she knows when he hears, he’ll be thinking of someone else. The same song that takes her to the first times they whispered together, the innocence and simplicity of a first kiss, but she knows. She knows. She knows, when he whispers her song like a lullaby, so sweet and so meaningful, he’ll be thinking of his her, she who lights up his world. And the music draws freely from the world, feeding from the light that starts to rise against the black. And she dances, dances through the memories, they take her back to the lies she believed and the pain of being left behind…….but it’s just a song. Music so eloquent, and she knows. She knows. She knows, the light starts to peek up and watch her as she grows and ebbs full of his memory, washing away the stain with tears. And she dances full of grief, losing someone you cherish, and the thoughts and feelings of what ifs, and what could be’s. Swaying like the breeze, she dances, burning through the joys of what she remembers, the good, the bad, the now. The music grows. blazing so loud in her. and then the world goes silent. She turns her back to the curious sun, tip-toes back out the room and shuts the door, breathless, full of wonder. Seven billion people on a planet. Seven billion people, and she knows. She can’t love him. Anymore. And with a heavy sigh, with the burden let down, removed, she walks silently down the hall, hums a melody she remembers. Something sweet and full of hope she thought she’d never find again. And the world dances on, the music playing, but it won’t last long. The music is all in her head.

The Tale of a Fathers Love by Luke Pamer

Fri, 18 May 2012 00:56:14 -0400

As he held me in the airport our eyes aligned. My new father. I let out a small squeal as any infant does. He smiled back at me as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. This is My father, the man who i aspire to be. He is the one who has taught me to ride a bike and when i fall down to get back up and keep going. He is the one my brothers and i try to mimic. We sit like him, cross our legs in the same manner, and even have the same humor. This is the man who has taught me to respect all women. He is the one who would read The Chronicles of Narnia every night as i fell asleep to his words imagining impossible worlds and crazy adventures. He is the man who prayed with me every night and makes sure his love for my mother is public and known. He has shown me both sides of a marriage. The Lovely side and the hard side. Through both, he showed us how to get through. He taught us the two most important words of marriage: “Yes Dear!” He has walked me through the bible and challenged me with my faith! He is the man i could not live without. Dad I love you!